


Atlas: Space

by orphan_account



Category: GOT7
Genre: Cancer, Gay Parents, Homophobia, M/M, Married Life, Non-Chronological, They're super in love, if it sounds like i was setting up a jinson sequel that i never wrote, iridae, it's because i was, it's the story of their lives, okay this sounds super grim but it's mainly sweet, those two sum it up really don't they lmao, yeah he dies but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Their life plays back to him in pieces; a constellation of sadness, joy, pain and love scattered across the night sky as, in his dreams, he recalls all the ways one man changed his life completely.__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________“-I was just wondering,” Mark cuts across him, looking back down at Jinyoung again, suddenly serious. “How you’d feel if we maybe… If I told you I wanted to adopt.”Jinyoung blinks up at him dumbly as he waits for some kind of elaboration, and when that doesn’t come he asks; “...A dog?”
Relationships: Park Jinyoung/Mark Tuan
Kudos: 4





	1. Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter inspired by a different song from both of Sleeping At Last's "Atlas: Space" EPs, posted in the order those songs play

  


  


_#6_  
  
Mark finds Jinyoung stretched out on the sofa in front of the TV, supposedly watching some kind of soap opera but his eyes are half shut as he slips in and out of sleep. Mark isn’t surprised; the bags under Jinyoung’s eyes have been getting heavier recently, and he knows the few hours of sleep Jinyoung does manage to get hold of each night aren’t the most peaceful, so Mark doesn’t fault his husband for drifting off at every chance he gets.  
  
Mark doesn’t like to disturb him, but today there’s something he wants to talk about.  
  
“Hey,” Mark murmurs, moving to the bottom end of the couch, where Jinyoung’s feet are, and nudging his ankle gently. Jinyoung’s eyes open wide for a second as he’s jolted awake and Mark can’t help but grin at him, suppressing the urge to laugh. “You alright, there?”  
  
“Yeah! Yeah,” Jinyoung nods, rubbing both hands over his face with a yawn. “Just… Tired. Think I’m catching a cold or something, some bug – the whole office is out, practically.”  
  
Mark hums, frowning with concern. “I should probably stay away from you, then. Wouldn’t want to catch it.”  
  
Jinyoung meets his gaze with a serious nod, but bursts out laughing when Mark all but throws himself onto the sofa with him. There are a few seconds of shuffling as they try to find a position that’s comfortable for both of them, then everything is peaceful again as they settle against each other, safe and warm in their embrace.  
  
For a while, they’re both quiet as Jinyoung goes back to watching-tv-slash-falling-asleep and Mark thinks over how exactly he wants to word this. He’s lying between Jinyoung’s legs with his arms wound tightly around Jinyoung’s waist, his head resting on Jinyoung’s chest and he can hear Jinyoung’s heart beating slow and steady, calm. It’s late on a Sunday evening—Sunday supposedly being Jinyoung’s day off, but he’s had to go back into work this morning because the bug sweeping through the office is keeping too many employees home sick and creating a huge backlog of manuscripts that need to be reviewed. Everyone who isn’t sick yet seems to have been breaking their backs trying to finish everything according to schedule, and Jinyoung is certainly no exception.  
  
Mark doesn’t think Jinyoung should be working so hard when it’s obvious that Jinyoung is coming down with something himself, but apparently they’re considering Jinyoung for a big promotion and if he starts slacking now it could all slip away. Mark still doesn’t think it’s worth it, but then he’s never been able to watch Jinyoung suffer in any sense of the word, so he’s probably not being rational.  
  
“What time are you working tomorrow?” Mark asks gently, squeezing Jinyoung a little tighter around the middle just in case he’s drifted off again.  
  
Jinyoung hears him, though. “Um… Eight? I think.”  
  
“That’s early.”  
  
“Hmm… No earlier than usual, though.”  
  
“Still too early,” Mark murmurs. “You need some time off. You need time to _sleep_.”  
  
Jinyoung scoffs. “Sleep is for the weak.” Mark rolls his eyes and slips his hand under Jinyoung’s shirt so he can pinch the skin on his lower back. Jinyoung lets out a loud whine in protest. “ _What_?”  
  
“I mean it, I’m worried!” Mark insists, then quieter; “You’re not getting any younger.”  
  
Jinyoung lets out a surprised burst of laughter. “Excuse me?”  
  
“You’re not!”  
  
“I’m younger than _you_ , you gross old man!” Jinyoung teases, tugging Mark up so he’s hovering over Jinyoung’s body and stealing a little kiss. Then Jinyoung lies back again, fully awake now and looking up at his husband curiously. “What are you planning?”  
  
Mark shrugs, averting his gaze. “Not planning anything-”  
  
“So you’re just calling me old for no reason? Okay, cool…”  
  
“-I was just _wondering_ ,” Mark cuts across him, looking back down at Jinyoung again, suddenly serious. “How you’d feel if we maybe… If I told you I wanted to adopt.”  
  
Jinyoung blinks up at him dumbly as he waits for some kind of elaboration, and when that doesn’t come he asks; “...A dog?”  
  
“A _baby_ ,” Mark says, the nerves making him shake a little so he lies back down again, hoping that the feel of Jinyoung against him will have a sort of calming effect. (Of course, Mark doesn’t forget to file away the possibility of asking for a dog. If this suggestion gets shot down, then that’s something that Mark can definitely fall back on.) “Like, a little… Bouncing thing… Little person.”  
  
Jinyoung is still for a moment, then he drags Mark up again so their faces are level and Jinyoung can narrow his eyes at him suspiciously. “Did my mother call?”  
  
Mark blinks. “No…?”  
  
“What did she say to you?”  
  
“ _Nothing_ , Jinyoung-”  
  
“Did _your_ mum call?”  
  
Mark gives Jinyoung a baleful look in response to that question because they both know how absurd it is; Mark hasn’t spoken to either one of his parents for years. “No one called, Jinyoung. I want to do this. Me.”  
  
Now Jinyoung is frowning, continuing to stare at Mark as if he’s waiting for some kind of punchline to this joke, but of course none comes because Mark isn’t kidding. Mark raises his eyebrows expectantly to emphasise that he wants an answer, and eventually Jinyoung does speak, but it’s only to ask; “Why?”  
  
“I just feel like…” Mark sighs, looking about them for some kind of inspiration, some way to put how he’s feeling into words. “This is the next step for us. The right step—I feel like this is where life has led us and we should run with it. We’re married, we’ve got this nice apartment and really good jobs that could fund a bigger place if we need it– if you get this promotion you’ve been after it’d be _perfect_...” Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, but the look on his face makes Mark think that maybe this could actually go somewhere. He continues, taking a deep breath as he does so. “And we love each other. So much—I love you _completely_ , and I want to love our kid just as much.”  
  
Jinyoung is fighting to keep a straight face, but he can’t stop the smile curling at his lips as he echoes quietly; “ _Our kid_...”  
  
“Exactly,” Mark nods, ducking down to kiss Jinyoung once then staying close as he murmurs; “And I know you’ve thought about this too – don’t think I haven’t seen the look on your face whenever my sister brings her kids over-”  
  
“And Spiderman the dog,” Jinyoung interrupts playfully, “my one true rival for your heart.”  
  
Mark gives a sharp little gasp, easily distracted by the thought of his sister’s dopey spaniel. “ _God_ , I love that dog.”  
  
Jinyoung snorts. “You’re not having a dog.” When Mark whines, Jinyoung raises his voice to shout over him; “Dog or baby, pick one!”  
  
“ _Ugh_. Fine,” Mark grumbles, “baby. I want a baby. And so do you, I know you do. And I know that you’d be an _amazing_ dad.”  
  
Jinyoung just shakes his head fondly at that and takes hold of Mark’s face in both hands, looking up at him meaningfully. “So would you, but you’re getting ahead of yourself. The adoption process takes a _hell_ of a long time.”  
  
Mark shrugs. “I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
“My mum won’t leave us alone.”  
  
“She doesn’t leave us alone even without the baby.”  
  
“ _Your_ parents will probably internally combust and-”  
  
“Fingers crossed!”  
  
Jinyoung rolls his eyes. “Mark, come on. It’s not good to hold a grudge.”  
  
“Don’t care, they deserve it,” Mark grumbles, but allows himself to be pulled down again for another kiss, then another and another until he feels like Jinyoung is trying to distract him so Mark tears himself away again and watches his husband seriously. “So: adopting a baby. Yes or no?”  
  
Jinyoung sighs, taking a few moments to think before he responds. “...Yes. Okay, we’ll do it, but only if they do give me this promotion. I don’t think you realise how expensive kids are—especially _adopting_ kids.”  
  
Mark grins. “‘Kids’? You’re planning on adopting more than one?”  
  
“You already act like one!” Jinyoung retorts, but he’s smiling and so is Mark and they’re kissing again, bodies buzzing with excitement and opportunities and dreams for the future that suddenly looks so much brighter.  
  
And brighter it does get, because a fortnight or so later Jinyoung is called into his boss’ office and promoted to manager. He gets a pretty pay rise and uses it to take his husband out for a romantic dinner date, the pair of them planning to contact the adoption agency first thing tomorrow morning.  
  
---  
  
__

with golden string  
our universe was brought to life,  
that we may fall in love  
every time we open up our eyes.


	2. Mercury

  


_#2_  
  
The end of the semester is always a time of horror for Mark Tuan.  
  
He never went to university with the intention of escaping his parents and their influence, but he can’t deny that that’s exactly what this has turned into. Each time he has to go home – he can’t find an excuse not to go for at least one day each holiday, “ _we’re all dying to see you!_ ” – he can feel the anxiety bubbling up, the panic because he knows he’s got to hide everything. Lie about _everything_ – he doesn’t dare let anything slip about what’s happened since he’s gone to university, who he’s finally allowed himself to be in the safety of Campus, because he knows if he does then there’ll be hell to pay.  
  
The end of the semester is what Mark dreads with all his being, because it means he has to step back into the dusty, dark closet that he’s been trapped in for almost his entire life.  
  
It's not like anything really awful happens when Mark goes home. Why should it? His parents know nothing.  
  
His mother always greets him at the door, his father pats Mark on the back and talks in his booming voice about how long it's been since he's been down to see them. Mark's parents aren't the most intimidating pair; she's short and kindly-looking while his father is bald and round, hardly the image of terror. But they're very set in their ways, very traditional.  
  
They've never been afraid of using violence and anger to enforce their beliefs on their children, and if Mark used to get smacked for bad grades in school he doesn't want to imagine what would happen if he dared to come out to them.  
  
Sometimes he thinks about it anyway, though, and the anxiety it raises within him almost sends him crazy.  
  
This time it's Christmas.  
  
Mark's at home for the better part of a week, as is everyone else; his dorm mate Jackson Wang has flown back to China for the holiday, while Mark's boyfriend of a year, Park Jinyoung, is celebrating the holiday with his own family miles from here. He’s texting them where he can, checking his phone for replies every couple of minutes but responses are few and far between. They’re obviously having much more fun than Mark is tonight.  
  
It’s getting late into the evening. Everything’s been done; presents, Christmas dinner and around forty repetitive games of charades. The kids - Mark’s cousins, who are all considerably younger than him but get easier and easier to tolerate with each passing year - have all been taken home already or are entertaining themselves in some other part of the house, so now it’s just the adults gathered in the living room, discussing the world in that lovely way they have.  
  
Somehow, they get onto the subject of homosexuality. Mark doesn’t know why, exactly – he thinks that one aunt who always stinks of cigarette smoke must have mentioned her daughter’s obsession with _Glee_ – and he knows he should just leave the room as soon as he hears them getting started, but he doesn’t. He sits there, listening in horror as his family—his parents—speak with utter contempt and disgust about everything he is.  
  
Immediately, Mark’s thoughts go to Jinyoung.  
  
Jinyoung, who is clever and powerful and beautiful beyond anything Mark could ever create in a dream. Jinyoung, who would never stand for this, for what they’re saying – not once since Mark first met him has he not seen Jinyoung challenge prejudice like this, and he can almost see Jinyoung’s reaction to the bigotry Mark is witness to right now. Jinyoung would stand up, straight and tall, and tell them exactly where to stick their opinions, tell them exactly what he thinks of them, then he’d leave and never look back and Mark would follow him Mark would follow him anywhere Mark would-  
  
“Isn’t that right, son?”  
  
His father’s booming voice shatters the thoughts in Mark’s head and suddenly he feels small again, like when he was a child. Suddenly he wants his father’s approval, but he can’t get that unless he agrees with them, with what they’re saying, and God, Mark doesn’t know if he could live with himself if he did.  
  
_If Jinyoung were here…_ Mark catches himself thinking, but he stops that fast because Jinyoung is not here and Mark’s family are all waiting on his reply and there are only two outcomes, two paths with the same dark destination and Mark can’t decide, he doesn’t know, he-  
  
“Yeah, Dad,” Mark hears his own voice sound, seemingly without any authority from his brain. “That’s exactly right.”  
  
Everyone smiles. Mark’s father smiles, beaming proudly like Mark’s just done something _wonderful_.  
  
Mark feels sick.  
  
Suddenly the room feels too small – stifling – and so Mark stands up, excuses himself quietly and slips out into the hall, his hand closed tight around his mobile, but that isn’t enough. He needs more distance—security, so he knows no one will eavesdrop on him—and so he moves as quietly as possible as he leaves the house and steps out onto the dark, empty street.  
  
He calls Jinyoung.  
  
Mark doesn’t know why, exactly—he doesn’t expect an answer, if Jinyoung hasn’t even been able to text regularly—but he feels like he’s going to unravel and right now he just needs to hear his boyfriend’s voice, even if it’s only the greeting on his voicemail. Luckily for Mark, however, it’s not the cheerful sound of Jinyoung’s voicemail message that answers.  
  
“ _Hello? Mark?_ ” It sounds loud, busy. Jinyoung is shouting into the phone just to be heard, but it’s him and Mark feels like he could cry.  
  
Instead, Mark just says; “Yeah, it’s me. Hey.”  
  
“ _Hey, babe! What’s up?_ ”  
  
Mark sets off walking down the street, glancing around himself anxiously when he hears Jinyoung call him ‘babe’ even though Mark knows there’s nothing here but streetlights to notice him. “Oh, it’s- it’s nothing, I just felt kinda-”  
  
“ _What? Sorry- hang on, lemme-_ ” The racket in the background of Jinyoung’s call slowly dies down as he obviously finds himself a quiet place to talk. “ _Okay, this is better. God, spend a few months away from them and you forget how crazy your family is– these people are_ mental _! How are you, baby? Merry Christmas, by the way!_ ”  
  
“Yeah, you too,” Mark mutters, reaching the end of the street and heaving a sigh. He takes one more look around before dropping to sit cross-legged on the curb, dropping his head into his hands in defeat. “I’m… I’m not good.”  
  
Jinyoung laughs at that, and Mark thinks he must be kind of tipsy because he’s usually a lot better than this at picking up on Mark’s mood. “ _Aww! Did you drink too much?_ ”  
  
“Didn’t drink enough.”  
  
There’s a moment, and it’s almost like Mark can hear the penny drop through the phone. “ _Wait, did something happen?_ ”  
  
“No,” Mark says, and then he laughs. “No. Nothing happened, I don’t even know why I’m… They haven’t changed a bit– I never expected them to, so I don’t know why I…?!”  
  
“ _What did they say?_ ” Jinyoung asks, so serious and sincere that Mark can’t bear to tell him what happened.  
  
What Mark did.  
  
“Nothing. Nothing new. But still...”  
  
“ _I know… Babe, I’m sorry. Where are you? Are you gonna go back to the dorms?_ ”  
  
Mark grimaces. He hadn’t even thought of that, but he can’t imagine he’d be able to get away with it very easily. “I don’t know. Probably not.”  
  
“ _Do you want to come here?_ ” Jinyoung asks, but before Mark can respond another, much more childlike voice sounds in the background.  
  
“ _Jinyoungie, who’s that? Is that your boooyfrieend?_ ”  
  
“ _Hey, go back to the party-_ ”  
  
“ _HI MARK!_ ” The unfamiliar child’s voice is suddenly bellowing down the line and Mark jerks the phone away from his ear in shock.  
  
He can vaguely hear Jinyoung grabbing the phone back and sending the child away again, but Mark doesn’t dare put it back to his ear again until he’s sure she’s gone, at which point Jinyoung is muttering that; “ _I’ll go outside, hang on… Sorry about that, she’s my cousin she’s a menace-_ ”  
  
“She knows me?” Mark asks, unsure how he feels about this development. “...Knows _of_ me?”  
  
“ _Sure, they all do._ ” A beat of silence. “... _Is that okay?_ ”  
  
Mark pulls a face. “Is it okay with _them_?”  
  
Jinyoung scoffs. “ _It’s not really up to them, but yeah they’re fine with it. As long as I’m happy, y’know?_ ”  
  
Mark sighs, a little wistfully. “Must be nice.”  
  
Jinyoung sighs, too, but his is much more regretful. “ _It is. I’m sorry your folks aren’t there yet._ ”  
  
“I feel like they won’t ever be.”  
  
“ _Hey, you don’t know that…_ ”  
  
“I do. Trust me, they’ll never change, none of them.”  
  
“ _Well… Whether that’s true or not, you can just come here next year. God knows my lot are all dying to meet the mysterious man who’s stolen my heart!_ ”  
  
Mark rolls his eyes at the line, but he can’t stop the smile coming through. He knew Jinyoung would make everything better. “I didn’t steal anything.”  
  
“ _Ah, you’re right! I surrendered it willingly._ ”  
  
Now Mark’s laughing. “You are so overdramatic.”  
  
“ _You love it_.”  
  
“I do,” Mark murmurs truthfully, “I love you. Far too much. But…” He tips his head back to look at the stars with another sad sigh. “I should let you get back to your party now. And I’ll get back to mine.”  
  
Jinyoung hums lowly and Mark can tell he doesn’t want to, but it sounds like someone is calling for him in the background and he can’t just ditch his family at Christmas. “ _Just… Try to get some sleep. It’s only a few days, right? Stuff yourself with Christmas food and go to bed, it’ll be fine. I love you, okay?_ ”  
  
Mark looks back down the street at his parents’ house and considers moving. “Yeah.”  
  
“ _Okay?_ ”  
  
“Yes, Jinyoung. I love you, too.”  
  
“ _No– you gotta say ‘okay’._ ”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“ _Okay._ ”  
  
“Why–?”  
  
“ _Maybe ‘okay’ will be our ‘always’_.” Mark realises what’s happening at the exact moment Jinyoung starts quoting his favourite novel with the cheesiest voice Mark has ever heard come from another human being, and the retching noise he makes in response is the ultimate expression of distaste.  
  
“You’re a goddamn nerd. I’m hanging up on you now.”  
  
Jinyoung just laughs victoriously down the line. “ _Get some sleep, baby! I love you!_ ”  
  
Mark hangs up with a fond shake of his head, and in the silence that follows he realises that he wants to see Jinyoung right now. Actually see him, touch him, hold him– have him right here by Mark’s side so that nothing will matter any more except for the fact that they’re together.  
  
But Jinyoung’s not here, and no one’s going to save Mark from his own family.  
  
With one final, heavy sigh, Mark gets to his feet and slowly makes his way back to the house.  
  
---  
  
_i know the further i go,_  
the harder i try, only keeps my eyes closed.  
and somehow i’ve fallen in love  
with this middle ground at the cost of my soul. 


	3. Venus

  


  


_#1_  
  
Mark rolls off of Jinyoung with a long exhale, their bodies sweaty and sated and heaving for breath as the pair of them come down from their high. They're curled up on Jinyoung's bed, hiding away as much as they can in their busy university halls. There's music blasting from Jinyoung's speakers in the hopes that it would cover up all the noise from their... _Activities_ , but Mark has just come to accept that sometimes there will be days when their respective flatmates will hear them going at it regardless. He'll know if today is one of those days by the kind of looks he gets on his way out of Jinyoung’s dorm tomorrow morning.  
  
"Your playlist is awful," Jinyoung himself says suddenly, breathlessly from beside Mark, but also sounding like he's been thinking about this ever since they turned the speakers on. "Your sex playlist."  
  
Mark snorts, still buzzing too much to get at all offended. "Really? You seemed to enjoy it."  
  
"I'm a good actor."  
  
"Sure," Mark grins, somewhat self-indulgently, “But you’re not good enough to fake _that_ -”  
  
Jinyoung pretends to push him off the cramped single bed for the cheek. "Shut up. I really am veto-ing some of that shit, though. No one needs fucking George Michael crooning at them while they're getting laid, especially not me."  
  
Mark just rolls his eyes with a grin. "Fine. No more George."  
  
"And no more ABBA, either."  
  
"Aw, _what_ -?"  
  
"Seriously, babe, _Voulez-Vous_ came on _twice_ just now. It's not hot, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm dating a really uncool forty-year-old."  
  
Mark lets out a loud groan, flopping onto his front so he's lying half on top of Jinyoung, kissing the plane of Jinyoung's chest gently when he's settled again. He hasn’t told Jinyoung that this is his first real relationship, but a lot of the time he suspects that Jinyoung can just tell regardless and Mark feels like a moron—like now. "It wasn’t all bad, though, right?"  
  
Jinyoung must have picked up on Mark’s self-consciousness because now he grins at him with a twinkle in his eye and that big, bright smile that still never fails to make Mark's heart skip a little even after months of dating, and suddenly everything feels better again. "Not all of it, no. In fact I found _some_ parts _very_ enjoyable."  
  
Mark rolls his eyes fondly and raises himself onto his elbows so he can kiss Jinyoung on the lips before falling down onto the mattress beside him again.  
  
Honestly, Mark has no idea how he ended up here.  
  
Here, with Jinyoung, like this… Before he came to university, Mark Tuan was not gay. He wasn’t exactly _straight_ , either, but at least he could pass for that if he just never mentioned being anything but. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate girls – Mark actually found some of them very nice to look at, with their long eyelashes and soft, silky hair – it was that Mark had always been incapable of appreciating them in what he’d always assumed was the _right way_. Other guys his age didn’t focus on the things Mark looked at whenever they saw pretty girls walk by—they didn’t settle for words like _pretty_ , either—and it wasn’t like Mark wasn’t aware what the difference was between him and his friends, he just didn’t like to put a label on it.  
  
Didn’t _want_ to put a label on it– God, if his parents ever found out…  
  
But they didn’t find out, and if Mark had any say in the matter they never would. To be honest, if Mark had any say in the matter he’d just stay celibate his whole life and never give his traditionalist parents any reason to even _suspect_ that he was anything other than what they expected.  
  
Unfortunately for Mark, though, it turned out that he really didn’t have a choice after all. Because, the second he met Park Jinyoung at the union bar in Freshers’ Week, Mark realised that the decision had already been made for him.  
  
“Do you remember when we met?” Mark asks now, staring up at the ceiling but from the corner of his eye Mark can see Jinyoung turning his head towards him. “During Freshers’?”  
  
Jinyoung hums an affirmative, then chuckles quietly to himself. “You wouldn’t speak for half the night.”  
  
“You were very intimidating,” Mark admits.  
  
“Not one word.”  
  
Mark sighs dramatically. “Well, what can I say? I was completely captivated by you.”  
  
Jinyoung lets out a loud burst of laughter at that and Mark grins because he knows he’s taken Jinyoung by surprise. “‘ _Captivated_ ’? You big nerd.”  
  
“It’s true!”  
  
“It’s _corny_.”  
  
“Your favourite author is John Green, don’t pretend you don’t love corny.”  
  
“Corny is nicer written down,” Jinyoung tells him primly. Mark just rolls his eyes again in lieu of a response.  
  
He lets his mind wander again for a few moments then, remembering the way Jinyoung had looked when they first met, how Mark had struggled to find _any_ words that could possibly be said to this angel without chasing him out of Mark’s life forever… It took three beers and a couple shots of _something_ for Mark to work up the nerve to speak, and he doesn’t remember what he actually said but it must have been good because soon they were talking every day.  
  
Mark remembers getting to know Jinyoung, learning about all the little parts of him. Park Jinyoung, Literature student and closet romantic. Openly gay, feminist, egalitarian — any and every good cause, it seemed, had Jinyoung’s full support. If you asked the right questions he would talk a lot about oppression and patriarchy and a lot of other things Mark had never really thought about but tried to understand just because it mattered to Jinyoung so much. Park Jinyoung was going to help change the world, everyone was convinced, and Mark so badly wanted to be a part of that. A part of Jinyoung, a meaningful presence in his life, a person with whom Jinyoung could share everything, but that wouldn’t happen until–  
  
“Do you remember that night at Jaebum’s party? The one before he met Jackson,” Mark asks quietly, somewhat hesitant to bring this particular memory back up.  
  
Jinyoung looks at him, noticing the change in mood. “When we kissed?”  
  
Mark doesn’t meet his eyes. “When I came out. To you, anyway. Before everyone else.”  
  
Slowly, Jinyoung nods. “I remember.”  
  
Mark lets out a breathy laugh, but there’s no real humour in it. This is still hard for him. “That was so scary. I was so sure you’d tell my parents or something... Someone would see us and tell them.”  
  
“Why?” Jinyoung snorts obnoxiously, and it takes Mark a little by surprise. “I mean– I don’t know about everyone else, but I don’t usually spend my time talking to bigots.”  
  
Mark grimaces a little at that: he doesn’t like hearing Jinyoung talk about his parents this way. For all their faults, Mark can’t bring himself to see them as villains. “Don’t– they mean well.”  
  
“Do they really?” Mark can almost hear Jinyoung’s eyes rolling.  
  
“They want the best for me.”  
  
“They don’t know who you are.”  
  
“They’re still my parents,” Mark says, “and they matter to me. I want to make them proud, and if this is what I have to do, then…”  
  
Mark trails off and the room goes quiet. The song playlist has long since ended, so now all the speakers give them is a gentle buzz in the background of their silence. Mark knows Jinyoung is disappointed with him; he can feel it coming off of him in waves in the tiny, tense space between their bare bodies, and Mark wonders if this should be classed as their first fight.  
  
He wonders if this is going to become a regular thing; if Mark’s parents are going to come between them and ultimately tear them apart. Mark starts to feel a cold panic creep up on him at the thought and he’s about to apologise for arguing back, but Jinyoung speaks before Mark gets a chance to.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung says sincerely, “I didn’t realise how much they mean to you. I shouldn’t have judged; I don’t know anything about it, really...”  
  
Mark closes his eyes. He should never have said anything. “No, I know how it must seem...” He lets out a bitter laugh. “You must think I’m a coward.”  
  
Jinyoung rolls then, onto his side so he’s snuggled up to Mark’s body, chin resting on Mark’s shoulder as Jinyoung looks up at him with big, honest eyes. “No, I think you’re wonderful. And– I might not know what exactly is going on with your family but I could see how hard it was for you to confess everything to me that first time. I thought you were so brave.”  
  
Mark huffs, determined not to look at him because he knows if he does then he’ll just melt under Jinyoung’s gaze again, forget all his worries even though all Mark wants to do right now is wallow in them a little more. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”  
  
“Am not,” Jinyoung tells him, shifting so he’s leaning over Mark’s body and he has no choice but to look up at Jinyoung. “It’s true. Besides, if I wanted to make you _feel_ better I’d just do this…”  
  
And Jinyoung leans down to press their lips together, slow but burning, purposeful and heady. It works like a charm, of course: Mark finds he can’t be quite so unhappy when every feeling in his body and every thought in his head is so full of Jinyoung. Mark can’t be unhappy while he knows he’s got Jinyoung by his side, for the time being at least, and Mark has the sudden urge to tell him _I love you_ but the rational part of him makes him stop.  
  
It’s too soon, Mark thinks. Too soon to talk about love even though Mark knows that’s what he’s feeling—it’s too soon to say it, and so for the time being Mark settles for pressing Jinyoung into the sheets and showing him instead.  
  
---  
  
i was a billion little pieces  
’til you pulled me into focus.  
astronomy in reverse,  
it was me who was discovered. 


	4. Earth

  


_#9_  
  
The world is grey.  
  
It's winter, but not the time in winter when everything is bright and cheerful. It's the time of winter when the trees have just been stripped of their beauty and are now left bare, displayed like rows of skeletons, bony fingers stretched helplessly to the sky. It's the time of winter when the nights get dark and the mornings are darker and all that is present in the daytime are grey clouds that feel almost apocalyptic, like they hold a despair so complete it could cause the earth to shatter under its weight.  
  
The earth is suffocating, and so is Mark.  
  
It's a Tuesday, unique at first only because Jinyoung has had to take a day off from work to go to a follow-up appointment at the hospital. He'd had a horrible, phlegmy cough for a solid month and a half before Mark and little Sunhee finally convinced him to get it checked out. That victory itself was months ago, though; since then he's been bounced around from consultant to consultant, their family GP eventually referring him to the hospital because no one seemed to have any idea what was going on. Jinyoung was seen by a young doctor who decided he wanted to run some tests, and today's the day they get the results back. Today they get to find out what the hell is happening—Mark is going along to the appointment too, because he has Tuesdays off and after dropping Sunhee off at school he doesn't have anything else to do.  
  
They arrive at the hospital and everything's fine. Jinyoung's actually joking around, telling Mark about some crazy vampire-tentacle porn manuscript that was sent to the office yesterday morning and Mark is laughing so hard he thinks his sides are going to burst. Jinyoung's coughing, still, but both he and Mark are so used to it now that they don't even notice.  
  
They're fine in the waiting room, and they're fine when the nurse calls them in. There's nothing wrong, nothing to suggest that anything might go wrong from here: they're just going to find out that Jinyoung has some kind of infection, or something, and they'll give him some antibiotics and then he'll be fine.  
  
They go into the appointment with their feet firmly on the ground, but when they walk out of it again it's like gravity has abandoned them completely.  
  
In the car as they're leaving, there are no more jokes. There's no smiling. No one speaks except for when Jinyoung asks quietly for Mark not to go home just yet, but to take him to the park a little way away from here, the one Jinyoung loves.  
  
Mark obeys without a word, and when they arrive he follows Jinyoung onto the grounds with the same silence. Jinyoung leads him (or, no— Jinyoung isn't leading, Mark just follows. Jinyoung isn't doing this for Mark, he doesn't really need Mark beside him right now, it's Mark who's suddenly scared to let Jinyoung out of his sight, so he follows) to the big hill right in the centre, the one with the huge bronze statue of a bird in flight at the top. Mark has never liked this statue; since long before he and Jinyoung moved to this city, people have been scrawling all over this bird. They’ve been scratching and ruining it so it's no longer a symbol of peace or freedom or whatever the hell it was originally meant to be, but evidence that everything beautiful will inevitably be destroyed by the heartless world around it.  
  
At least, that's what Mark thinks.  
  
Jinyoung, on the other hand, loves this bird. He’s loved it since they first discovered this park, and for some inexplicable reason the vandalism the bird has had to suffer through only seems to make Jinyoung love it all the more. Mark assumes it's just Jinyoung's inner Literature student slipping out again, finding deeper meaning and beauty in the ugliest of tragedies.  
  
Tragedies like the bird. Like Romeo and Juliet. Cathy and Heathcliff.  
  
Cancer.  
  
_Cancer_. Mark can hear the doctor's voice echoing in his head long after he’s forgotten her face. _Lung cancer... Particularly aggressive... Should have caught it sooner… We’ll start trying to fight it as soon as we can… Really should have found it before now... I'm so sorry, Mr Park._  
  
Cancer. God, Mark wanted to scream. Wanted to punch something, wanted to force every doctor in that awful place to test everything again, find a different explanation for Jinyoung's illness, but of course he didn't. He couldn't; it would make him look like some kind of madman, especially since Jinyoung was so calm beside him. Barely bat an eye, like he hadn't just been diagnosed with an especially violent form of the world's most notorious killer.  
  
Mark had put it down to shock at first, and then to the fact that Jinyoung just hadn't wanted to break down like that in front of the doctor. But in the car, and even now when it's just he and Mark in the middle of an empty park on a gloomy Tuesday morning, Jinyoung still isn't reacting. Not in the way Mark wants, anyway – Mark wants anger, wants some proof that Jinyoung hates this just as much as Mark does, but there's nothing. Jinyoung just stands there in front of the bird statue, facing into the wind as the grey sky darkens with the first signs of rain overhead, with his eyes closed and arms outstretched, like he's about to take flight, too.  
  
Mark resists the urge to grab hold of Jinyoung and bind him to the earth.  
  
"What are you thinking, Jin?" Mark asks, when minutes have gone by and he just can’t stand the silence any more.  
  
Still, Jinyoung doesn't answer for a moment. "The wind feels good. Fresh air."  
  
Once again Mark resists the sudden urge to scream.  
  
"What are we going to tell Sunhee?" he asks instead, but Jinyoung doesn't answer, pretends he didn't hear. Mark grits his teeth. "What are we going to say to Sunhee, Jinyoung?"  
  
"I don't know," Jinyoung finally admits, "I guess we'll just tell her that I'm a bit poorly."  
  
"'A bit poorly'?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You've got cancer, Jin. Fucking _cancer_ –"  
  
"So? What will that mean to her? She's a baby, she doesn't know what cancer is-"  
  
"She's four years old, we can't just make up some story for why her Daddy is..." Mark trails off, can't finish the sentence. Can't bring himself to consider what is going to happen to them now. He changes the subject. "How are you feeling?"  
  
Jinyoung takes a deep breath in and lets it out in a slow sigh. He still hasn’t looked at Mark once. "Dunno. Tired, mainly."  
  
"Tired? That's it?"  
  
"Is that not enough?" Jinyoung asks, and Mark actually laughs at that, short and incredulous and the slightest bit desperate.  
  
"Not really, no," he tells Jinyoung frankly, "it's not enough. You should be... Fucking..."  
  
Mark trails off, lost for words. Jinyoung sucks on his teeth and Mark hears the first hints of annoyance. "Right."  
  
"Look, I don't know, I just... How can you be so _calm_ about this?" Mark asks – demands, really. "You've just been told you've got cancer, the chances of you making it to even _half_ the age you should do are… And now? God, now we have to explain to our four-year-old daughter that you– fuck, Jinyoung, why aren't you _angry_?"  
  
Now it's Jinyoung's turn to laugh, but his is cynical and resigned and Mark hates it. "What good would that do?"  
  
"It would help you express yourself, maybe?"  
  
"There's nothing to express."  
  
"Bullshit— you're thirty-six fucking years old, Park Jinyoung, don't tell me this doesn't matter to you–!"  
  
"I never said it doesn't matter, I just don't think being angry about it will do anyone any good–"  
  
"When we first met you would never have–!"  
  
"What, when I was nineteen years old?! You're angry because I'm not the same person I was in fucking _university_?"  
  
"No, I'm _angry_ because you used to be so _strong_!" Mark hadn't even realised that they've started yelling at each other now, facing off under ominous black storm clouds. "You were gonna save the world back then, Jin, now you don't even seem to care about saving yourself!"  
  
For the first time in Mark's life, it actually looks like Jinyoung wants to hurt him. "Oh, _fuck you_. I've only been fucking dying–"  
  
"No– don't say that."  
  
"–for fifteen goddamn minutes and you want me to have an action plan in place?! You want me to have all the answers ready for you, is that it?" Jinyoung snaps, but Mark's still stuck on that one word. He's been avoiding it up to this point, won't think about it, but now it's echoing in his brain so loudly he can hardly hear Jinyoung at all. "Of course I'm fucking angry, Mark, I'm _furious_! I'm not going to be able to see my _baby_ grow up, our _little girl_! There's a fucking countdown on us— our everlasting fucking love now has a fucking expiry date based on how long I can force myself to live through treatment–"  
  
"Jinyoung, don't. Please."  
  
"Why not?! This is what you wanted, isn't it?!" Jinyoung is practically screaming now, but what follows his question is horrible, dead silence.  
  
Mark knows what the question is, knows that Jinyoung is only talking about this self expression that was so important to Mark a few moments ago, but what it sounds like– what Mark _hears_ is something completely different and now he can't speak around the stone in his throat. His eyes tear up as Jinyoung seems to realise what exactly he's said, and he anxiously starts to close the distance between them again. "Mark..."  
  
"No, this isn't what I wanted," Mark tells him in a whimper, all but collapsing into Jinyoung's arms as they embrace him even if Mark knows it should be the other way around. Jinyoung needs him to be strong now, Mark knows, but, as selfish as it may be, Mark has always needed Jinyoung more. "I never want to be without you, Jin, I don't... I'm so scared."  
  
"I know," Jinyoung breathes, and by the way his voice hitches slightly Mark knows he's not the only one breaking down here. "I am, too."  
  
Mark doesn't know how long they stand there after that, crying themselves a hurricane as dark clouds roll in overhead.

  
  
---  
  
meanwhile, my family’s taking shelter.  
sparks send fire down the wire,  
a countdown begins,  
until the dynamite gives in. 


	5. Moon

  


_#5_  
  
Today's the day.  
  
All the months of preparation, the stress and the endless rehearsals have all boiled down to this, to the next few hours of Mark's life. The start of his new life.  
  
Today is the day when Mark will marry Park Jinyoung. Today's the day when they make the choice to be together forever, in sickness and in health, before the whole world. Today is the day when Mark will take Jinyoung as his husband, and after all that they've been through already Mark can't believe it's finally here. It's _finally_ happening.  
  
A knock on the door makes Mark look up from where he's been staring at his reflection in the mirror. The place they've chosen to host the event is incredibly fancy; white and gold everywhere, separate rooms for the grooms to prepare in whilst their guests file into the main building. There's so much space here, which is kind of overwhelming for Mark, but it was a necessity if they hoped to fit all of Jinyoung's family into one place.  
  
Mark's family aren't here, of course. He did consider sending out a few invites to some select relatives, but in the end he decided that they probably still hate him and Jinyoung after what happened—Mark's sister is here, though, with her husband and their baby girls. She's actually been the one helping Mark prepare for this, repeatedly fixing his hair and suit at an almost constant rate throughout the day, and so she’s the one Mark is expecting when he crosses the room and opens the door.  
  
It's not her, though. The wedding jitters have given Mark this constant nervous expression all day, but that now changes to one of surprise as Mark’s soon-to-be husband suddenly slips through the open doorway like he's on some kind of secret mission; hunched over slightly like that will make him harder to see sneaking in, even though there’s no one around in the hall outside to catch him anyway. Jinyoung silently shuts the door again once he's fully inside and sags back against it with a sigh of relief. "God, I thought I'd never get away from them."  
  
"Uh… Hey- I don't think you're supposed to be here?" Mark says, unsure of whether or not he's supposed to honour tradition and hide what he's wearing from Jinyoung—or whether there’s any point, since Mark isn’t a bride anyway. He settles for just putting a hand over his tie awkwardly. "I thought that we're not supposed to see each other until the wedding?"  
  
Jinyoung gives him a Look. "I have seen you in a suit before, remember?" That being said, Mark doesn’t miss the way Jinyoung’s gaze flickers down Mark’s body and then back up again, taking in the outfit completely. "Although, that is a nice one."  
  
For the first time today, Mark's nerves disappear completely for a moment as he laughs. "Yeah, well. I thought I might dress up for this one, y'know. Since it's our wedding and all."  
  
"Good call," Jinyoung grins back cheekily, then suddenly seems to realise something and steps away from the door, looking around Mark's room curiously. "Are you alone in here?"  
  
"Yeah," Mark follows Jinyoung into the space almost subconsciously, like being drawn to a magnet. "Well- I was just then, before you came in. My sister—Jen's been helping me get ready, she's just gone out to quickly feed the kids before the ceremony starts."  
  
Jinyoung suddenly looks at Mark like he's in pain. "Aw, _what_? How did you get away with having only one person here?!"  
  
Mark stares at him. "...I- why, how many do you have?"  
  
"Between five and ten when I left, probably more when I get back," Jinyoung groans, slumping onto Mark for a consolatory hug. Mark immediately winds his arms tight around Jinyoung's body and feels the familiar warmth in his chest that he has long since learned to recognise as pure, undiluted love. "Save me," Jinyoung mumbles pitifully and lets out a whine when Mark just laughs at him.  
  
"They're your family! At least they came to support you."  
  
"To support _us_ ," Jinyoung corrects him, as he always does when this comes up. "They're your family too, y'know."  
  
Mark smiles at the thought even as he's shaking his head. "Not by law."  
  
"Not for much longer," Jinyoung counters, the reminder making both of them grin as they share a sweet kiss. When Jinyoung moves back again, though, he fixes Mark with a very serious look. “Honestly, though. You don’t need saving, right?”  
  
Mark squints at him. “What?”  
  
“It’s not too late,” Jinyoung says firmly, “if you’re having any doubts or-”  
  
“Why on earth would I have any doubts?”  
  
“-misgivings or _anything_ — if this isn’t what you want, just say and we can call this whole thing off, I promise-”  
  
“Wait- _I_ proposed to _you_ , Jin,” Mark cuts him off with a bewildered, anxious little chuckle at the suggestion that their wedding might not go ahead after all. “Remember that? What, are- are you trying to get rid of me already?”  
  
Thankfully, Jinyoung rolls his eyes like Mark’s being stupid and Mark feels a little bit more reassured that he won’t be left at the altar. “No. I love you. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”  
  
At that, Mark smiles. Leans in to whisper against Jinyoung’s lips, just before he steals a gentle kiss; “I could never regret you.”  
  
Jinyoung allows the kiss, but he’s still scowling when Mark pulls away again. “You know that’s not what I mean.”  
  
“I know what you mean,” Mark admits, “but I’m honestly fine. I don’t care that my parents aren’t here – I don’t want them here. I want _you_. I want to marry you—I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life. Okay?”  
  
Jinyoung heaves a sigh, but the smile that’s curving at his lips gives him away. “Fine... I do love you, y’know, Mark. So much – don’t ever imagine I’d try to _get rid_ of you. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.”  
  
“And I love _you_ ,” Mark promises, “but I think you should go back to your room before they decide to come and hunt you down.”  
  
Jinyoung grimaces but nods anyway. “Good idea. I’ll see you soon, I guess,” he says as he moves towards the door again, leaving Mark standing in the centre of the room alone once more. “Meet me at the altar, okay?”  
  
Jinyoung grins and Mark can’t help but grin back. His heart is swelling with love at the mere sight of it — Mark has never been so certain that he wants to marry Jinyoung today. Wants to announce their love to the world, wants every part of Jinyoung and more—to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, til death do they part…  
  
“I’ll be there,” Mark vows, then again: “I love you.”  
  
Jinyoung just laughs, clearly excited for what’s about to happen and bursting with affection himself. “I know.”  
  
Then Jinyoung slips away and Mark turns to the mirror once more, meeting the gaze of the much more confident, certain and _stronger_ man inside of it and knowing that this is it. This—Jinyoung and the future they’ll build together—is all he needs.  
  
---  
  
_instrumental_


	6. Mars

  


_#7_  
  
The first call comes while Mark is in the shower. He shouts for Jinyoung to answer it and listens through the half-open door as Jinyoung accepts the call to Mark’s mobile, offering whoever is on the line a friendly greeting. A moment passes while the caller asks something, then Jinyoung responds politely; “No, this is his husband – Mark can’t come to the phone right now, but I can pass on a message if you’d— hello?”  
  
Silence follows and Mark frowns. He turns the water intensity down to lessen the noise of the spray hitting the floor and calls Jinyoung’s name again, taking in his confused expression as Jinyoung steps into the bathroom. “Who was it?” Mark asks.  
  
“I don’t know, they just hung up…?” Jinyoung shrugs. “I didn’t recognise the voice; it was probably just someone trying to sell you something, I dunno.”  
  
Mark just shrugs back in lieu of a reply and goes back to washing. Jinyoung steps out of the room again and the mysterious caller is forgotten. They’re busy right now, what with all the paperwork and meetings with adoption agencies — there’s no time to worry about little things like this. So Mark doesn’t think anything of it when he gets another call a day or two later from the same number as before, just balances the phone between his shoulder and cheek whilst he’s rifling through their various files.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“ _Hello, could I please speak to Mark Tuan?_ ”  
  
“This is he,” Mark replies, matching the carefully polite tone of the caller, “who’s this?”  
  
“ _Mark, it’s your mother._ ”  
  
Mark freezes. His stomach feels like it’s dropped suddenly, his breathing slightly heavier and it’s all he can do not to slam the mobile down on the table—burn the thing, change his number so this can’t happen again. Neither one of his parents should be contacting him, ever — how do they even have his details?! Mark’s sister wouldn’t have passed them on without warning him at all, would she...? Suddenly he’s not so sure. He wants to hang up on the spot but he restrains himself, refuses to let his mother know how much she affects him even after all this time and forces himself to remain calm.  
  
Mark’s next words, however, still come out as a low, threatening growl. “What do you want?”  
  
“ _Your grandmother died recently,_ ” his mother’s voice doesn’t change at all, but Mark realises that what he’d earlier mistaken for politeness is actually just clinical detachment. A refusal to truly acknowledge who she’s addressing and what happened the last time they spoke. “ _You’ve been mentioned in the will, so you’ll need to go about collecting whatever she’s left you._ ”  
  
Mark stops at that, sits back with the files left open in front of him and wonders whether he should feel incredibly guilty. He’d always assumed that his whole family had cast him out, abhorred him for being gay, and so he’d made a point to cut them all out of his own life in return. But if his grandmother left him in her will...?  
  
He can hear Jinyoung moving about somewhere in the apartment and contemplates going to find him so that they can deal with this together, but eventually Mark decides against it. He meant it when he swore years ago that he’d never let his parents anywhere near Jinyoung ever again, and as far as Mark is concerned, even connecting them in a phone call is too much.  
  
Mark grits his teeth determinedly and continues on alone. “Why did… I’d assumed that everyone felt as you and Dad do. Was Gran—?”  
  
“ _Oh, she didn’t know; we never told her_ ,” his mother says simply. Mark feels oddly cold hearing the words. “ _We did try to contest the will after she’d gone, but obviously we were unsuccessful._ ”  
  
Mark forces himself not to react: this isn’t about his parents’ poison right now, it’s about his grandmother. Whether or not she’d still have loved him if she knew, Mark chooses not to consider right now. “When’s the funeral?”  
  
“ _That doesn’t matter; you’re not going._ ”  
  
She’s talking to him like he’s a child again—like she still has any power over Mark whatsoever. It’s getting harder to stay calm. “Was that in the will, too?”  
  
“ _Nobody wants you there. Not after what you did–_ ”  
  
Mark’s composure finally cracks and he cuts her off with one bitter laugh. “After what _I_ did?”  
  
“ _Yes. Because of you._ ”  
  
“And what is this awful thing I did?”  
  
Mark’s mother’s careful tone has slowly dissolved as the conversation went on, her own temper just as fiery as her son’s can be, so now she’s practically spitting down the line in her disgust. “ _Well, you brought that_ repulsive _creature into our home for one–_ ”  
  
“His name is Jinyoung, and he was there to _help_ me—I was trying to come out to you!” Mark argues, hissing down the phone as quietly as possible so that Jinyoung doesn’t hear him and come to find out what’s wrong. “I was trying to finally tell you what I… Who I am!”  
  
“ _And why_ on earth _would you think we’d ever_ approve _of your disgusting–?!_ ”  
  
“Because you’re my parents – you’re supposed to _love me_!”  
  
“ _–attacking your own father, I’d never even_ imagined–”  
  
“No- he went for Jinyoung first and you know it. I was just protecting the man I love,” Mark snaps, struggling to keep his voice down as the anger builds. It’s all replaying in his head as he speaks, memories flooding back; his father’s fist swinging into the side of Jinyoung’s head, the ice-cold fear and burning rage that blazed through Mark all at once. The next thing Mark knew he had had his father shoved against the wall, Mark’s fists balled in his shirt, vision stained red…  
  
“‘ _Love_ ’,” his mother scoffs and Mark despises the sound, “ _you’ve lost your mind – you’ve been infected by that vile man and his... Type! We never raised you to be this way—_ ”  
  
“And yet here I am,” Mark bites back, “and somehow your God still hasn’t bothered to reach down and smite me!”  
  
“ _Your day will come, I’ve no doubt about that_ ,” Mark’s mother snarls, “ _and when it does I can only pray you drag that man down to hell with you._ ”  
  
Mark just scoffs once, bitterly. “In that case, Mother, I guess we’ll see you there.” Then he hangs up, all but slams the phone down and buries his face in his hands. The sound of Jinyoung singing happily, obliviously, to himself in the next room is the only thing that stops Mark from screaming.  
  
  
  
Mark can’t avoid Jinyoung forever, of course. And he doesn’t want to – he doesn’t want to keep this from Jinyoung; they decided long ago that they won’t keep secrets from one another, that’s not how they choose to live – but Mark would be lying if he said he didn’t spend a good few hours on his own after the call.  
  
When he finally does work up the nerve to tell Jinyoung what happened, it’s late that evening.  
  
It's when Mark is on his way to bed, after they've finished watching their usual celebrity chat shows and are in danger of being sucked into late night ‘ _Family Guy_ ’ re-runs. He still hasn't mentioned anything about the phone call or his grandmother's death to Jinyoung, and Mark's thinking that at this point he might as well just leave it until tomorrow, but then Jinyoung reaches up to catch hold of Mark's hand as he's passing and he looks up at Mark with these tired, hopeful eyes. There's a question in there somewhere, Mark can tell, and so he sighs and explains it all, missing out only the parts that Mark thinks would hurt Jinyoung.  
  
For a long time, Jinyoung is quiet. He listens to the story without making a sound, but there’s this odd expression beginning to form on his face that he seems to be trying to hide, albeit unsuccessfully. Mark sees it and asks what's wrong, but Jinyoung assures him that it's nothing and that Mark should go on to bed; Jinyoung will be right in.  
  
Mark knows he should probably stay and find out what's troubling his husband, but Mark's tired from the stress of the phone call and everything with the adoption and it's late so he goes. By the time Jinyoung does join him in bed, Mark is already half asleep and drifting quickly. Usually when it’s like this, Jinyoung makes an effort to be quiet and avoids waking him up, but today there's a gentle whisper that floats through the night and drags Mark back to consciousness once more.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Mark makes an unintelligible noise in response, frowning in the darkness. Is it just tiredness that’s making him so confused? What on earth could Jinyoung be apologising for? Mark reaches for his husband blindly, trying to force his heavy eyelids open again even though he can hardly see anything through the darkness anyway. "What? Jin?"  
  
"No- don't wake up, it’s okay," Jinyoung tells him quickly, and Mark's sleepy body falls limp on the bed again, eyes falling shut. He forces himself to remain alert, though, and listens as Jinyoung continues: "It's not important, I've just been wondering for years whether or not I should say this, and I know it'll only make you angry, but I think..."  
  
Mark frowns to himself but waits patiently for Jinyoung to continue in his own time.  
  
After a little while, Jinyoung lets it all out in one long, weary sigh. "I feel like I've fucked up your family. Like- I pushed you too hard to come out to your parents, and now it's because of me that they treat you so badly. I didn't think it would ever end up this way; I know you told me how bad they are but I didn't realise… I didn’t believe–"  
  
“It’s okay,” Mark murmurs gently, “it’s not your fault. I’d have had to tell them _some_ time, whether you were there or not.”  
  
“You might have done it better without me, though,” Jinyoung whispers, and Mark’s not used to hearing him sound so vulnerable and small. “They might have understood better—they might not have reacted like this–”  
  
Mark laughs at that, a quiet chuckle under his breath as he shuffles across the mattress and takes Jinyoung into his arms. Jinyoung lets Mark cuddle up to him without complaint, but Mark can tell he still feels awful about it all. Mark smiles fondly and presses a kiss to the top of Jinyoung’s head, in serious danger of falling asleep again now he’s so warm and comfortable, but even in this state Mark can tell this is something that needs to be addressed today. “Come on, now. You’re being silly; this isn’t your fault.”  
  
“I can think of at least two people who would disagree,” Jinyoung grumbles.  
  
Mark rolls his eyes. “Well, those people don’t matter. I don’t blame you for what happened, and even if I did it would only be more reason to thank you; I’ve been happier every day since then than I ever was before it.”  
  
Jinyoung huffs at that, and Mark can tell he doesn’t believe it, but Mark doesn’t worry. He can feel that Jinyoung has relaxed a little, feels a little better now he knows Mark doesn’t hold him responsible for Mark’s relationship with his family. And as they fall asleep that night, Mark knows that it’s true; all he feels for the man in his arms is utter, true love.  
  
---  
  
though time is ruthless,  
it showed us kindness in the end,  
by slowing down enough,  
a second chance to make amends. 


	7. Jupiter

  


_#3_  
  
The first time Mark Tuan wakes up and doesn’t feel like the weight of the world is bearing down on him, he is not in his own bed. Not his alone, anyway.  
  
Mark wakes up to find himself in their new apartment, his first place with Jinyoung since officially graduating from university, with Jinyoung himself still sleeping soundly beside him. Mark doesn’t quite know how they got here — after they fled his parents’ house last night everything more or less became a blur; all Mark can remember are winding roads and racing hearts and that feeling in your gut when you know that what you’ve just done has changed your life forever — but he’s glad that they did, because being here means that it really happened.  
  
Means they really went to Mark’s parents, he really told them — means that Mark is really, finally _free_.  
  
The lightness in Mark’s chest is incredible. It’s a feeling he doesn’t even know the words to describe; for the first time in his life there is no more guilt, no more shame about who he is. There are no more secrets, no more lies… It makes the pain of knowing what he’s had to lose just to get here (the sadness of realising that he will more than likely never see his family again) seem almost insignificant.  
  
“Mark.” A soft, sleepy voice sounds from beside him and Mark turns to Jinyoung with a smile that feels brighter than any that have come before. Jinyoung smiles back, the corners of his lips turning upwards lazily, like a cat’s. He’s got sleep in his eyes and his raven-black hair is all messy and lopsided from where he’s been resting on it all night.  
  
Mark has never seen anything more beautiful in his life.  
  
“Good morning,” Jinyoung murmurs gently.  
  
“I love you,” is all Mark says in return, and he means it with every fibre of his being. Mark moves in for a long kiss, one hand coming up to cradle the side of Jinyoung’s face that isn’t still pressed into the pillow. Jinyoung smiles into it, his own hands reaching under the covers to pull Mark closer, slipping under his clothes and making feather-light paths across Mark’s stomach and back. Jinyoung’s touch leaves goosebumps in its wake and there’s room to go further here, but Mark carries on kissing him slow and gentle regardless. He wants to get this kiss right, he thinks, because it means something — and Mark knows that everything he wants to say to Jinyoung can’t possibly be conveyed in one single kiss, but Mark is willing to try anyway.  
  
Jinyoung sighs in contentment as they pull apart again, but their hands remain in place, keeping them connected. “How are you feeling?” Jinyoung asks, his voice barely more than a whisper, but the space between them is enough that Mark still hears him perfectly.  
  
“Happy,” Mark breathes back. The word seems like it’s too simple to really cover how Mark feels right now, but it’s the truest answer he has. “I love you,” Mark says again, because that’s true as well.  
  
Jinyoung just chuckles softly, leaning in to kiss Mark a second time, this one chaste and sweet. “I love you, too.” Another kiss, then Jinyoung twists back, stretching to see the alarm clock on his bedside table. “What time is it…?”  
  
This is the moment Mark sees it; the angry, inky purple bruise that has stained all around Jinyoung’s eye, previously hidden by the pillow Jinyoung was lying on. The sight of it makes Mark’s breath hitch sharply for a moment, and suddenly what happened yesterday is all rushing back in much finer detail than before.  
  
Jinyoung got hurt. Mark’s father hurt him, attacked him— where was Mark? What was he doing? Why didn’t he step in to protect Jinyoung, take the pain himself? Mark doesn’t know; can’t remember.  
  
It’s just that awful moment of impact that replays over and over in his mind.  
  
Jinyoung falls back onto the pillows again, shuffling himself closer to Mark’s body with that same smile on his face, but when he sees Mark’s expression he stops. “What? What’s wrong?”  
  
Mark swallows thickly, somewhat nervous. “How’s your eye?”  
  
Jinyoung’s eyes narrow ever so slightly and Mark can tell that he’s figured out exactly what’s going on, just from that one question. Their friends have always said that it’s like Mark and Jinyoung can read each other’s minds, and it’s clear that Jinyoung doesn’t like what he’s hearing right now. When he speaks again his voice remains light and cheerful, but there’s something in there like a challenge.  
  
There’s no way he’s letting Mark blame himself for this.  
  
“Which one?” Jinyoung asks.  
  
Mark sighs. There’s a fight coming here, he can tell. “You know which one.”  
  
“Both are fine, thank you,” is the reply, complete with an angelic smile to prove it. “I have never felt better.”  
  
“Really?” Mark challenges, moving his hand down to rest on Jinyoung’s arm and suddenly being veered off course by something he hadn’t noticed before. “What time did we get home yesterday? You’re still wearing your clothes from when we were at my parents’ house.”  
  
“I dunno, but so are you,” Jinyoung points out, then pulls himself even closer to Mark unexpectedly, voice dropping to something sultry and smooth. “Did you wanna take them off me?”  
  
_He’s trying to distract me._ “Not right now,” Mark says, gently but firmly, finding it much easier than usual to strengthen his resolve when he’s still looking at the bruise that’s blossomed on his boyfriend’s face. Mark takes hold of Jinyoung’s chin with one hand and turns his face ever so gently so that Mark can see the bad eye better; he grimaces. “Are you sure you’re not hurting? Be honest, Jin, please.”  
  
Jinyoung just shrugs off his concern, moving even closer so that now there’s truly no space between their bodies. This clearly isn’t a topic he wants to discuss. “No – it’s nothing _you_ couldn’t fix...”  
  
It’s a credit to Mark’s worriment that the bad come-on doesn’t even make him laugh. “ _Jinyoung_.”  
  
The hands that had so far been innocently resting just under Mark’s shirt suddenly start making their way purposefully downwards. “ _Please_ , baby…”  
  
“Jinyoung, I swear to God I will fight you.”  
  
“Ooh, as long as you mean wrestling...!”  
  
“No- _stop_! Stop,” Mark orders then, yanking Jinyoung’s hands away from his dick and holding his boyfriend’s gaze intently, making it clear now that he isn’t joking. Jinyoung just stares right back at him, his own expression stubborn and indignant, though he doesn’t try to move his hands again. “Jinyoung,” Mark begins once more, slow and clear. “Are you in pain? Is that giant fucking _black eye_ my dad gave you hurting at all?”  
  
“ _No_ ,” Jinyoung answers, just as firm in his resolve, “nothing is wrong with me, so don’t you dare start stressing out over this. You couldn’t have stopped it.”  
  
Mark lets out his breath in one long sigh. He looks away from Jinyoung now, when he speaks. "I just... I can't believe that he- that _anyone_ could hurt you-"  
  
" _Me_?" Jinyoung echoes incredulously, "You got the worst of it— d'you think they really meant what they said?"  
  
Mark just scoffs. "I hope so."  
  
"Mark," Jinyoung's hands coax Mark into meeting his eyes again. Jinyoung is the one looking concerned, now, though Mark doesn't know why since being disowned by his parents hasn't really affected Mark one bit. Still, Jinyoung seems to want to believe otherwise — Mark assumes it’s because Jinyoung has never had any reason to hate his family. "You don't mean that."  
  
Mark just smiles like Jinyoung is being absurd. "Of course I do. Do you really think I can forgive them after that? After what he did to you?"  
  
"Mark..."  
  
"Jinyoung, I love you," Mark repeats, his voice suddenly gentle again as he moves in close enough to press their foreheads together. Jinyoung's eyes flutter closed, but there's still a sadness in his expression that Mark wishes weren't there. He continues. "You're everything to me, everything I could ever need... _And I don't need them_. I don't care what happens, I don't care if they crawl to our door and beg for forgiveness: what they did... I can't, Jinyoung. I can't stand to think of them hurting you, and I swear I'll make certain that neither one of them ever comes near you again."  
  
Jinyoung sighs, eyes still tight shut and words muttered towards Mark's chest. "I don’t need looking after, Mark. And it’s not like you can protect me from everything."  
  
"I know that," Mark admits gently, "but just this once, please let me. Please, Jin. I love you."  
  
Jinyoung is silent for a few long moments, clearly at war with himself internally. But then he lets out one angry huff and shifts forwards to steal a short kiss from Mark's lips again, almost as if he's granting himself a consolation prize for actually letting Mark win for once. "Fine. But I'm not happy about this."  
  
Mark doesn’t even try to hide his grin. “It’s okay, I didn’t expect you to be.”  
  
“You’ll see that you’re all just being ridiculous,” Jinyoung insists, “a couple of years down the line your parents are gonna call, or you’re gonna call them and everyone’s gonna apologise and everything’s gonna be fine again. I mean it; you’re their son, there’s no way they can just hate you forever.”  
  
“Well,” Mark sighs, suddenly feeling just as light and happy as when he first woke up. “Even if you’re wrong-” (He ignores the mutter of “ _I’m not_ ”) “-it doesn’t matter if they hate me, because I’ll still have _you_...” Mark punctuates the last word by snuggling his face into Jinyoung’s neck, wiggling in an exaggerated attempt at being cute.  
  
Apparently it doesn’t work, or Jinyoung is just still grumpy from having to let his boyfriend win an argument for once, because all he grumbles in reply is: “You need more friends.”  
  
“I have loads of friends!” Mark laughs, “I’m friends with Jaebum-”  
  
“Through me.”  
  
“-and Youngjae and Jackson and Yugyeom-”  
  
“Yugyeom’s more like a pet than a friend,” Jinyoung comments dryly, and Mark laughs again, catching Jinyoung around the waist and shaking him a little as he does so.  
  
“You’re awful,” Mark murmurs, an unmistakable note of affection in his voice nonetheless.  
  
Jinyoung just turns his head to face Mark again so there’s barely any space between their lips. He smiles with a little shrug. “It’s how I show my love.”  
  
Mark just snorts. “Is it?”  
  
Jinyoung hums thoughtfully, then decides: “Yeah, except to you.”  
  
“Oh yeah? So how do you love _me_?” Mark asks cheekily, and his heart skips a beat as Jinyoung gives Mark a breathtaking grin before closing the distance between them to show him.  
  
---  
  
while collecting the stars, i connected the dots.  
i don’t know who i am, but now i know who i’m not.


	8. Saturn

  


_#11_  
  
Mark reaches the cemetery just after noon. He’s bundled up in his heavy winter coat with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a hand-made card covered in a child’s felt tip drawings of presents and reindeer in the other. It’s late December, just before Christmas, and there’s been no snow yet but all the forecasters are warning for it, predicting a blizzard any day now. That’s primarily the reason Mark is up here so soon; he’d rather drop the gifts off prematurely than be late for Christmas.  
  
As a family, this has always been their favourite holiday and Mark doesn’t want anyone to miss out, whether they’re still here to appreciate it or not.  
  
“Afternoon, sweetheart!” The plaques on the tombstones are filthy from being so exposed to the bad weather, most of them to the point where Mark can’t even begin to read their writing, but he’s been here so many times by now that he knows exactly where he’s going regardless. Mark kneels down before one of the stones and reaches forwards to wipe away some of the dirt with his hands, sitting back only when the gold lettering is clearly visible once more.  
  


_This is the resting place of Park Jinyoung  
Beloved husband, father and son  
1994-2032_

  
  
Mark reads it and sighs, long and heavy. It’s been just over two years since Jinyoung passed away. Two years since all the colours drained from the world completely, two years in which Mark has been gradually trying to get the colours back. For the most part, Mark thinks he’s been successful: the sky is blue again, grass is green, roses are red and all that, but he knows that nothing is as bright anymore. Nothing seems beautiful in the same way it used to, when he and Jinyoung would watch the sunset streak ribbons of purple and pink and gold across the heavens.  
  
Somehow, Mark knows he’s never getting that beauty and light back again.  
  
“I’m sorry I’m late,” Mark continues, sinking down so he’s sat cross-legged on the freezing cold path, speaking cheerfully into thin air. Luckily there’s no one around today, otherwise Mark might think twice about chatting away so loudly to a tombstone. He prefers to do it like this, though; this way he can imagine that, somewhere, Jinyoung is still listening. “I had to drop Sunhee off at a birthday party — that’s why she isn’t here, by the way. She did want to come, but the little girl whose birthday it is is her best friend, so… I told her you’d understand. She made you a Christmas card to make up for it, wrote it all by herself and everything.”  
  
Here Mark unfolds the card in his hand and presents the inside of it to the tombstone so that Jinyoung can read it, Sunhee’s handwriting awful but still better than anything Jinyoung ever got to see. Mark holds the card open for a few moments before folding it again and laying it down, face-up against the tombstone.  
  
He then presents the bouquet with a grin. “I didn’t forget either, of course! These are your early presents; I don’t think we’ll be able to get here over Christmas, so… Wrap up warm or something.” Mark lets out a little snort at his own joke, but for the first time there’s something so half-hearted about it.  
  
Mark doesn’t know what the problem is, today. Usually these visits to Jinyoung’s grave make him so happy; he’s always felt that this is the one place Jinyoung’s soul truly remains, the one place where Mark can find him again. But this time, everything feels so… _Wrong_. Suddenly, Mark finds himself doubting whether Jinyoung can hear Mark’s words at all, whether there is really _anybody_ who—  
  
No. Mark takes a deep breath, steadies himself. He can’t think about that now, refuses to deal with such thoughts until he’s safely back home. It’s Christmas, it’s time for family, and Mark wants to make certain that Jinyoung is always included, remembered somehow.  
  
He continues.  
  
"Y'know," Mark starts again, reaching down to pull at nearby blades of grass idly, "it took a long time for me to get used to this. Like, properly- I was still doing stupid shit for ages... You wouldn't believe the amount of time it took before I stopped wondering why you hadn't come home from work yet." Mark chuckles to himself once, sadly. "Sunhee was no better than me, she kept- she—"  
  
Mark cuts off there, the memory of their daughter's pain much harder to handle than his own. He takes a few long moments to compose himself with more deep, steady breaths before deciding it's just best to change the subject. If Jinyoung really is looking down on them then he'll have already seen all of this stuff anyway, right?  
  
"Uh, Jackson and Jaebum are doing good; I think they've finally sorted out all their shit. They have an anniversary soon, I’m pretty sure…? I don't know, I'll check when I get home. It's still just me and Sunhee there, by the way," Mark admits, then hurries to explain himself as if there's anyone here to judge him. "I haven't forgotten what you said, Jin, don’t worry. It just... I- look, don't get me wrong, I am _trying_ , it just... I've got Sunhee and I've got work and I can't...? I just don't have the _time_ to meet people right now. I’m sorry – I have been trying.”  
  
Mark wonders if repeating himself so much only makes it more obvious that he’s not being entirely truthful, here. He falls into a guilty silence for a long while, replaying in his mind Jinyoung’s final wish for Mark to find happiness again with someone new.  
  
‘ _You shouldn’t find it that difficult,_ ’ Jinyoung had said, voice breathy and uneven as his lungs were weakened by disease. ‘ _You’re still gorgeous, not like me; you’ll have men throwing themselves at your feet and you’ll wonder why you ever wanted to stick with me for so long in the first place!_ ’  
  
He was joking, Mark knows, but he still hates it nonetheless.  
  
Somehow, Jinyoung had made their relationship seem so insignificant, so _trivial_ – Mark would just be able to find someone new, someone _better_ , and he’d forget Jinyoung ever existed? Had Jinyoung never understood what he’d meant to Mark? Never realised all that he’d done, how he’d somehow changed every part of Mark’s life for the better?  
  
Did Jinyoung honestly think Mark would be able to replace him, just like that?  
  
"Even then- even if I did meet someone, what am I supposed to say?" Mark demands of the empty air now, stumbling over his words a little as he starts to get more and more worked up. "How am I meant to introduce myself— ‘widowed single father’? What kind of impression does _that_ give? And then what- what if someone asks about you, Jin? Am I meant to... Should I just act like you're someone in my past, like you don’t matter anymore? Am I supposed to tell them the _truth_? 'His name was Jinyoung, he was my first love and when he died it fucking destroyed me'—no one _wants_ that, Jinyoung, no one..."  
  
He's having to blink tears away now. The cold air is biting, stinging at his eyes and God, this is _ridiculous_.  
  
No matter what Jinyoung said, Mark _is_ meant to be better by now, isn't he? It's been years; he shouldn't be feeling like the funeral was only yesterday, shouldn't feel like he's betraying anyone when he so much as _thinks_ of dating again.  
  
"It's not even like I'm in pain any more," Mark murmurs, uncaring of whether Jinyoung's supposed spirit can still hear him or not. "I've come to terms with it, I'm used to it—I'm not _hurting_ anymore, Jin, it’s just that I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't keep holding on like this, I know I can't, but I..." There's something hard wedged in his throat and Mark blames the pain from that for the tears that have started to fall. When he speaks again, his voice is barely more than a whimper; "I haven't got much else left, have I? After Sunhee there’s not… What else am I supposed to cling to?"  
  
The sound of other people searching for their own loved ones’ tombstones in the distance makes Mark look up. He’d almost forgotten that he isn’t truly alone in the world, as empty as it feels sometimes; he gets to his feet once more and digs both hands deep into his pockets to try and protect them from the cold, shaking off the tears firmly before looking down at Jinyoung’s stone again.  
  
If it weren’t for the flowers, the sight of it might have made Mark think the world had gone back to that cold, lonely grey.  
  
“Merry Christmas, Jinyoung,” Mark says, quietly now so as not to attract any attention to himself. “Sunhee asked me to say that she loves you and misses you and she still prays for you every night. I hope that somehow you can hear her.”  
  
He swallows thickly. His throat still feels tight and Mark can tell that there are tears threatening to fall if he continues like this, but he goes on anyway.  
  
He needs to say it, just in case Jinyoung really is listening.  
  
“And I miss you, too. More than I can bear. But I’ll see you again soon, right? In this life or the next.” Mark wipes his tears with one hand, as quickly as possible so no one can see him crying, then he presses a kiss against his fingertips and lowers it down to the plaque, touching down right over Jinyoung’s name. “I love you, sweetheart. Sleep tight.”  
  
With that, Mark walks away, and that night when he closes his eyes he sees Jinyoung, his life, their love. It returns to him in flashes, fleeting moments that Mark will keep safely hidden in his heart, whilst the silenced world prepares to begin again in the morning.  
  
---  
  
you taught me the courage of stars before you left.  
how light carries on endlessly, even after death.  
with shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.  
how rare and beautiful it is to even exist.


	9. Uranus

  


_#8_  
  
From the very first moment they set eyes on Sunhee, Mark and Jinyoung fall in love with her.  
  
She’s such a tiny little thing, only a few days old, and the first time Mark holds her in his arms he is moved almost to tears by how _right_ this all is. How everything in his life seems to have led him to this very place, with his husband standing close and their daughter cradled between them. After so long, Mark can hardly believe he’s finally here, meeting her. _Their daughter_.  
  
“Isn’t she perfect?” Jinyoung asks quietly, his own voice thick with emotion as he gazes in awe at the sleeping baby in Mark’s arms.  
  
Mark can only nod in reply. “She is so beautiful,” he breathes, catching Jinyoung’s gaze with a trembling smile. “And I am so afraid that I’m gonna go through with every promise I ever make her.”  
  
Jinyoung lets out a little laugh at that, the sheer extent of his joy turning it halfway into a sob at the same time and when he holds his arms out for the little girl Mark gladly hands her over. He watches Jinyoung snuggle her close, a few stray tears dropping down his smiling cheeks, and Mark knows that everything they’ve been through has not been for nothing.  
  
(Mark thinks that, for her, he would do it all again.)  
  
  
  
The next few years are easily the happiest of Mark’s life. When he thinks of them, he thinks of light and love — the world has never been brighter than it was back then, and the memories never, ever fail to make Mark smile.  
  
Of course, that’s not to say that things were easy: Mark can’t imagine that anyone who has had to care for a newborn baby could claim that it was ever _easy_ , and it isn’t like Mark and Jinyoung didn’t argue at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite; they were often bickering about trivial things, snapping at one another for no reason other than they were both so exhausted.  
  
Still, there was never a time when they didn’t _love_ each other. Mark never doubted for a second that they were doing the right thing, that Jinyoung was absolutely the right one for him.  
  
There just happened to be some days, when the sleeplessness was worse than usual and so their arguing was as well, when Jinyoung seemed to need a little bit more convincing.  
  
Mark is slumped on the couch, his back sinking into the pillows as he holds Sunhee tight to his chest, the pair of them dozing off gently on this cozy autumn afternoon. Jinyoung is in the next room, chatting away loudly to someone on the phone, but Mark doesn’t pay any attention to what he’s saying until he hears Jinyoung move towards the living room, voice getting louder as he nears. That’s when Mark cracks one eye open, just in time to see his husband walk in.  
  
“...Yeah, we’re doing fine,” Jinyoung is saying, moving to perch on the edge of the sofa next to Mark, gaze fixed on Sunhee. Jinyoung is awfully protective of her, can hardly take his eyes off her usually. Mark, on the other hand, just continues watching Jinyoung. “Just tired, that’s all. Baby girl keeps us awake for most of the night, still.”  
  
Jinyoung feels Mark’s eyes on him and glances up for a moment to meet his gaze, at which point Mark mouths, ‘ _Who is it?_ ’  
  
“What do you know about taking care of babies, Jackson?” Jinyoung says his name with a little more emphasis than is perhaps normal and Mark nods in understanding. Jinyoung turns his full attention back to the phone again, then, only to roll his eyes at what Jackson says next. “Nora is Jaebum’s _cat_ , though, so that doesn’t really count. Actually- no, it doesn’t count at all, to be honest.”  
  
Mark tips his head back to laugh silently, taking care not to jostle Sunhee too much and risk waking her. Jinyoung just motions to the phone in his hand with a look as if to say, ‘ _what is wrong with this guy?_ ’ Mark just shrugs helplessly in response.  
  
Jinyoung rolls his eyes again. “Anyway, Jackson, I’d better get going. Tell Jaebum we said ‘hi’, okay?”  
  
Mark waits patiently whilst Jinyoung says his goodbyes and hangs up the phone, flopping back against the couch cushions with a long, weary sigh. Mark gives him another moment or two before he reaches over to nudge Jinyoung gently, catching his attention. “Jackson and Jaebum...?”  
  
“Yeah, they’re together again,” Jinyoung announces without much real enthusiasm; this isn’t the first time they’ve witnessed this particular union. “Jackson just moved in a few days ago – I guess they’re trying to make it last this time.”  
  
Mark hums noncommittally. “How long d’you think this one will be? A month?”  
  
Jinyoung pulls a face, fiddling with the phone in his hands as he thinks. “Nah… Jackson seemed pretty confident, so I’d give them two at least. Just until Jaebum finds another reason to freak out and ditch again.”  
  
Mark snorts, but he’s still shaking his head slowly in something like bemusement. “I’ll never understand how Jackson does it– how he can just keep bouncing back every time it happens.”  
  
“He knows what he wants,” Jinyoung shrugs tiredly, then slants a look sideways at Mark as a disapproving tone creeps into his voice. “Maybe I should try and make a move next time he’s on the rebound, though. I think it’d be a good idea, y’know, since you’re sick of me and all?”  
  
Mark groans at the accusation, but there is just enough guilt in the sound for Jinyoung to be placated at least a little bit. “I didn’t say that, Jin!”  
  
“No, but it’s basically the same as what you said.”  
  
“It’s not what I meant,” Mark protests in a whine, carefully holding the sleeping baby in his arms still so she doesn’t wake up or fall as he lets himself slump against Jinyoung’s shoulder pitifully. “I was just tired and stressed, I’m sorry... You know I wouldn’t ever say that for real, right?”  
  
Jinyoung lets out a huff, but Mark can tell that he’s not going to be too stubborn about this. After all, it’s not like Jinyoung hasn’t said some nasty things too. “I know you wouldn’t, but still… You should be sleeping on the couch for that.”  
  
Mark pushes his bottom lip out into an exaggerated pout. “Please forgive me, Jinyoungie?” He tries to resist, but Mark still spots the way Jinyoung’s lips twitch at the cheesy nickname. “I’ll make it up to you— I’ll be on baby watch all night. Every feeding, every nappy change, I promise.”  
  
Jinyoung’s eyes go wide at that, his mouth dropping into a comically round ‘o’. “You can’t be serious?”  
  
“ _He’ll do it for you!_ ” Now Mark has taken one of Sunhee’s little hands in his and is waving it about ever so gently as he talks, his voice high and squeaky in a poor imitation of what their daughter might sound like one day. “ _Please let Daddy in the bed, pleeease!_ ”  
  
Jinyoung snorts a laugh at that, reaching over to free Sunhee from her father’s grip. “Oh my _God_ , Mark, stop! I forgive you, it’s fine. You don’t have to take the couch, and you’re not doing baby duty all alone, don’t be stupid. Just- think about what you’re saying next time, okay?”  
  
“I will,” Mark promises, stretching towards Jinyoung in a silent request for a kiss. Jinyoung grants him one immediately without making a fuss, which Mark takes as proof that he truly has been forgiven. He smiles. “Love you, babe.”  
  
Jinyoung rolls his eyes, but there’s still a smile playing at his lips as he gets up to walk out again. “Hmm, and I love you too. For now. Make sure you’re supporting her head properly!”  
  
That last request comes just as Jinyoung passes the threshold, so he doesn’t see the face Mark makes. (Mark does obey anyway, though, because this time Jinyoung is not actually wrong.) “I got it! Thanks.”  
  
They’re not quite the picture of domestic bliss these days, Mark thinks as Sunhee’s little hand curls around his finger in her sleep, but somehow he feels like things are better this way. They may not be perfect, but nothing ever is when it’s real, and at the end of the day, no matter what, Mark knows that he wouldn’t change a thing.   
  
---  
  
_instrumental_


	10. Neptune

  


_#10_  
  
It's midday.  
  
There are armies of ominous dark clouds rolling in overhead, the wind is wailing mournfully through the trees and Mark wants to wail with it. He feels like he has a right to, after everything that’s happened. After everything he’s still suffering through.  
  
Jinyoung is getting worse. Before, Mark wouldn’t have believed that that was possible, but now he’s not so naive.  
  
Now, Mark can see how little life there is to be drained from Jinyoung’s body, and he can see how that could all disappear as well. He can see that, where there once was strength, there’s now only frailty. The corners of their lives that used to be filled with light and laughter contain only shadows, now, and there are even darker times ahead. Jinyoung is getting worse — visibly, heart-breakingly worse — and Mark has long since stopped believing that this story will ever have a happy ending.  
  
Jinyoung still pretends, of course.  
  
Mark doesn’t know if he’s truly in denial or if he’s just putting on a brave face, as usual, for the sake of everyone else, but Jinyoung still likes to talk like he’ll be here next summer. Like he can still move without Mark’s help, like he can even go for a piss on his own any more without his legs failing under his own skinny body’s weight. Jinyoung’s cracking jokes and letting everyone act like they don’t notice how out of breath he gets after just a few words, like the coughing alone doesn’t sound like it’s tearing his throat apart from the inside.  
  
Jinyoung acts like nothing’s even wrong, and Mark wishes he would stop. ‘ _Who is this helping?_ ’ he wants to ask, ‘ _Who do you think you’re fooling, Jinyoung? Why do you keep telling people that you’re getting better— why are you telling Sunhee that you’ll last through the four months until her birthday when there’s no way of knowing that you’ll even make it that far? Why would you hurt her like that?_ ’  
  
Mark wants to ask, but he knows he never will. He’s not that cruel and he’d never try to upset Jinyoung like that, especially in this weak state. Still, Mark thinks of the hope he sees in Sunhee’s face every time her Daddy makes another promise he’ll never be able to keep and he feels… Mark just feels…  
  
Thunder rumbles above and Mark stops. Looks around him.  
  
It was only supposed to be a ten-minute run to the supermarket; he made it there fine, has a full bag in each hand, but somehow Mark has ended up wandering away from his usual route home. Somehow Mark has gotten so lost in his thoughts that he’s avoided the house completely.  
  
He wishes that was completely accidental.  
  
Mark knows he should go home. He should go home to avoid the rain and storm that's coming. He should go home to make sure Sunhee and Jinyoung have survived without him for twenty minutes. Mark should go home just because it's the _right fucking thing to do_ , but it still takes him a few long, long moments before he can force himself to head back. Back to Jinyoung. Back to the awful reality that will destroy Jinyoung and maybe just drag Mark down too, in the end.  
  
Rain starts to fall around the same moment that possibility occurs to Mark, and a part of him wishes that Sunhee could have just had the parents that she deserves.  
  
When Mark reaches the door a short while later, drenched to the bone, he is glad to find when he enters that both Sunhee and Jinyoung are still alive and— Mark stops himself from finishing that thought because it would be a lie if he did. They are all far from well, but they are breathing, and that’s the main thing.  
  
Sunhee is in her bedroom — Mark can hear her from downstairs, putting on dramatic voices for her dolls — and Mark knows before he even gets there that he’ll find Jinyoung in the living room, comfortable and settled in his favourite armchair with the TV on or a book in his hands. Jinyoung is reading, today, and he looks up with a tired little smile when Mark enters. “Hey.” His voice is wispy and thin, breathing slightly laboured already. “You were gone a while. Was everything okay?”  
  
“Long queues,” Mark lies in a gentle voice, drying his hand on the fabric of the chair before going to stroke Jinyoung’s hair softly. Jinyoung himself closes his eyes and leans into the touch, everything slow and innocent as it has been for a while now. Jinyoung’s far too delicate for much more than this, but then again so is Mark in some ways. He leans over the chair to see the name of the book Jinyoung is holding. “This is new, did you finish the last one already?”  
  
Jinyoung sighs. “No, I’ve still got a way to go. I just fancied a change for today; that last one was getting a bit too sad for me, y’know?”  
  
Mark hums in understanding. “So what are we on now?”  
  
“Poetry,” Jinyoung says, then lets out a limp chuckle at the look on Mark’s face. “It’s quite good! It’s that collection my mum bought me.”  
  
“If you wanted something _happy_ , I wouldn’t have thought poetry was a good idea-”  
  
“No, they’re nice!” Jinyoung argues, but there’s no power in his lungs to put behind it, so his words still sound frail and flat. He’s started wheezing slightly, Mark notices; he silently berates himself for making Jinyoung talk so much. “There’s one that reminds me of how we used to be back in uni, do you remember? Young love and all that. It’s really sweet.”  
  
_How we used to be._ Mark remembers, of course, but he tries not to these days; the past was so good to them that thinking about it only makes their life today seem that much worse. Instead of responding, then, Mark just nods and leans down to press a kiss into Jinyoung’s hair, murmuring against him; “I’ll let you get back to it, then.”  
  
He tries to make his exit, but Jinyoung reaches up a thin hand to get his attention again. Mark waits obediently, catching Jinyoung’s hand and holding it between both of his own while Jinyoung speaks. “Sunhee was telling me, while you were gone, she has a school play coming up?”  
  
Mark hesitates for a moment. He knows about Sunhee’s play, of course, and he had mentioned it to Jinyoung once a few months ago but since then he’s stayed silent. Truthfully, he’s been hoping Jinyoung would forget all about it. “Uh, she does, yeah. Why...?”  
  
“I’m just excited to go and see it,” Jinyoung rasps with a gentle smile, “our little princess making her acting debut…”  
  
The pause here is even longer. Heavier. It’s harder to contain his emotions, and he can’t risk letting them Jinyoung see how he’s feeling so Mark just nods once then drops Jinyoung’s hand and walks away. Escapes to the kitchen and stands at the furthest point he can from where Jinyoung sits. Where Jinyoung will stay—Mark doesn’t even have to run from him, really, because it’s not like Jinyoung can follow, but he might still hear something in Mark break from there.  
  
He’s told Sunhee that he’ll see her play, then? Mark clamps his bottom lip between his teeth and resists the feeling of anger that is building inside of him. Jinyoung hasn’t left the house in months, barely ever leaves that fucking chair. How is he meant to see her performance? How will they get him to the school? They won’t, and Jinyoung knows that. They can’t, and he _knows that_ , so why the fuck is he forcing Mark to break their daughter’s heart by telling Sunhee that Jinyoung can’t go?  
  
Why is Jinyoung making things so much more difficult than they need to be?  
  
A part of Mark wants to go storming back into the living room and confront him, but he knows as soon as he sees his husband all small and vulnerable in that chair that all this fury will just fizzle away. A part of him thinks that might be a good thing, but mostly Mark just wants to wallow in his misery for a while. He feels like he should be allowed this much, at least.  
  
So Mark doesn’t go to find Jinyoung, just busies himself with cleaning the kitchen, preparing the family’s dinner, checking on Sunhee every so often just in case she needs him. When he finally feels calm enough to go back into the living room, it’s to find that Jinyoung has fallen asleep in the chair with his book still open, face-down in his lap so all the pages start to crumple.  
  
Mark sighs at the sight of him and wonders what the hell Mark’s going to do with his life when this nightmare is finally over.  
  
He goes to save Jinyoung’s book from any more of the pages being ruined, but he can’t find the bookmark Jinyoung uses (handmade by Sunhee last year; she’s still very proud of it) so Mark just leaves it lying open. It’s here that his eyes catch on one single line and Mark remembers why he doesn’t like poetry, especially not in times like these.  
  
‘ _His voice is like the wind swirling through dense forest and you always knew he was going to leave you._ ’  
  
---  
  
i’m only honest when it rains,  
an open book with a torn out page,  
and my ink’s run out.  
i want to love you but i don’t know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final quote is taken from [this](https://twitter.com/ombrophiliac/status/499428079258054656) tweet


	11. Pluto

  


_#4_  
  
When Mark first hears the news, he’s with his sister.  
  
This is the first time he’s seen anyone from his family since he came out, and honestly it’s awkward; Jen’s trying, has been the only one _to_ try, but she’s worried about saying something wrong and Mark’s struggling to find anything to say at all. The TV is only on as background noise, national news being read out to an unresponsive audience, but Mark turns towards it when Jen leaves the room to get drinks for them both.  
  
They’re reporting on the fight for gay marriage rights that’s been gripping the country recently. Mark is completely for it, of course, but he hasn’t been following the cause very intently past listening to the near-constant updates he gets every day from Jinyoung. Now, though, the news reporter on screen gets his full attention.  
  
The decision has been made. The fight is over. Jinyoung is probably off somewhere getting very, very drunk right now.  
  
Mark doesn’t realise he’s frozen in place until Jen walks back in, two mugs of warm tea in her hands, and stops dead in the doorway at the look on his face. She glances at the television, listening along to the reporter for a moment or two, before she turns a huge, _proud_ grin onto her little brother.  
  
“So,” she starts nonchalantly. Mark just stares at her, kind of shell shocked, and her grin grows. “Do you want my help to pick out an engagement ring, or…?”  
  
And that’s the moment Mark leaps off the living room sofa to embrace his sister, ignoring her laughing protests about the tea and feeling like his life is finally starting to fall into place.  
  
  
  
He looks like an angel. Bare skin covered by soft white sheets, soft black hair all messed up from where it’s been slept on, from where Mark’s hands have been — Mark almost can’t bear to wake Jinyoung, but Mark didn’t get up this early himself for nothing.  
  
“Baby…” A gentle murmur followed by a kiss to the skin on Jinyoung’s exposed throat. Mark’s learned by now that the best way to wake up Park Jinyoung is to get into his good graces as fast as humanly possible, or else suffer for daring to interrupt his slumber.  
  
As it is, Jinyoung groans in protest but his hand still comes up to bury itself in Mark’s hair and keep him close.  
  
Mark grins against his neck before pressing his lips against it again. “Come on, gorgeous… It’s time to wake up…”  
  
Jinyoung lets out a whine before muttering, “Five more minutes, baby…”  
  
Mark shakes his head ‘no’, but doesn’t say anything more in favour of kissing Jinyoung’s throat again and again. It’s a calculated move, and it doesn’t take long for Jinyoung to start to willingly comply.  
  
“ _God_ , you should wake me up like this more often...”  
  
Mark chuckles softly. “I’ll try to.” Then, confident that Jinyoung is awake enough now, Mark starts to lift himself up and off of his boyfriend’s body—only to be yanked back down again.  
  
“Where are you going?” Jinyoung demands, “I was getting into that!”  
  
“And I will make it up to you,” Mark promises, leaning down to kiss Jinyoung’s lips chastely. “But only later. Because right _now_ we’ve got to go get ready for the _amazing_ day I’ve planned for us.”  
  
Jinyoung pulls a face at him, less than thrilled. “You planned an amazing day that starts before 9am?”  
  
“I didn’t,” Mark assures him, “our day starts at ten, but there’s travelling involved.”  
  
At the same time Jinyoung lets out a loud groan of “oh my _god_ -!” Mark takes hold of his arms and pulls him into a sitting position, cheerful encouragement all the way. Mark does stop for a moment, though, when Jinyoung reaches to hold Mark’s face in his hands, looking him in the eye with a stern expression. “Okay, I’m going to ask you something important, now, and I want you to tell me the honest to god truth.”  
  
Mark raises his eyebrows somewhat jokingly, because he thinks he can tell what’s coming. “Alright, shoot.”  
  
“Are you going to ask me to marry you?” Jinyoung says seriously.  
  
Mark just offers a shit-eating grin in response, mischievous twinkle in his eye that promises Jinyoung won’t be getting any answers right now. “Why would I do that?”  
  
Jinyoung rolls his eyes as Mark slips out of his grip and dances away. “ _Mark_ -!”  
  
“Come on, babe, get dressed! We don’t wanna be late!”  
  
Jinyoung glares at Mark until he grooves his way through the bedroom door and out of sight. Then, Jinyoung finally gives in and crawls out of bed with a sigh.  
  
  
  
As it happens, Jinyoung doesn’t get a proposal throughout the day.  
  
He’s waiting for it — Mark can see every time Jinyoung thinks it’s coming, each overly deliberate movement Mark makes catching Jinyoung’s attention immediately, but there’s never a ring to prove Jinyoung right. As the day wears on Mark can see Jinyoung starting to question himself, and by the time night falls he just looks downright tired of this day.  
  
Mark would almost feel bad, if he didn’t know what was coming. “Okay, so this last place we’re going is, like, the main event-”  
  
“ _Mark_ ,” Jinyoung groans exasperatedly, feet dragging on the pavement as Mark tries to pull him along. “Please, can we just call it a day now? I’m _so_ tired-”  
  
“No, no, this is the best one!” Mark insists, tugging Jinyoung’s body closer and wrapping his arms around him so Mark can march him along more easily. “I promise, you’re going to love it, just stick it out for half an hour, okay?”  
  
“Mark…”  
  
“Twenty minutes! That’s all I’m asking, seriously. Twenty.”  
  
Jinyoung slants a look at him grumpily. “Y’know, you’re lucky I love you.”  
  
Mark just grins back at him, this one full of genuine affection. “Trust me, I know I am.”  
  
Their final destination turns out to be a fancy hotel-slash-restaurant just near the edge of the city’s borders. They enter, and Mark leaves Jinyoung alone for a second so that Mark can have a private word with the young lady behind the desk, returning with a key in one hand and a bright, excited spark in his eyes.  
  
They take the elevator to the top floor of the building, then three flights of stairs takes the couple up even higher until Mark uses the hotel key to let them out onto a small ledge that overlooks the whole, illuminated city.  
  
Jinyoung lets out a shaky breath, astounded at the sheer beauty of it. “Mark…”  
  
“Amazing, right?” Mark asks, still grinning and looking at Jinyoung like Mark’s the luckiest man in the world.  
  
Jinyoung just can’t take his eyes off the view. “It’s absolutely _beautiful_ , I…”  
  
Mark’s expression softens, here, and his voice does too. He still hasn’t looked away from Jinyoung. “It is beautiful.”  
  
It looks like there’s something like tears brimming in Jinyoung’s eyes but he covers his emotion with a scoff, refusing to meet Mark’s gaze as he mutters; “If you’re looking at me instead of this _awesome_ view I am gonna punch you so hard...”  
  
Mark just snorts at that, and decides it’s time to finally give up the game. He touches Jinyoung’s hand gently to get his attention as Mark slowly lowers himself onto his knees. “Hey, look at me.” Jinyoung shakes his head and Mark laughs. “Jin, c’mon!”  
  
“You have been fucking me about all day, Mark Tuan, you can’t spring this on me now,” Jinyoung complains, eyes still unnaturally bright with unshed tears and he still won’t look anywhere near Mark’s direction. But he relents when Mark catches his hand and kisses it, muttering quiet pleas against his skin.  
  
Mark takes a deep breath before looking up at Jinyoung, and he knows with all his heart that this is—they are—right. “Jinyoung. I have loved you since the day I met you. You are funny and sexy and smart, and I am _never_ gonna beat you in an argument. And I love it. I love you, all of you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”  
  
“You’re gonna make me cry,” is all Jinyoung says for a moment, then he lets out a little half-sob, half-laugh and sinks to his knees before Mark. “Why did you do all this? The day out and taking me to a fancy restaurant— you didn’t have to do that!”  
  
“I wanted to make it special,” Mark says, taking hold of Jinyoung’s face gently and wiping away the one stray tear that’s managed to escape with his thumb.  
  
“It’s already special, you big sap, this just means that I can’t drag you into bed with me after I say yes,” Jinyoung berates Mark good-naturedly, and a couple more happy tears overflow from his eyes when they laugh. Jinyoung moves Mark’s hands from his face and looks down at Mark’s torso expectantly. “Now where’s this ring I’ve been waiting all day for?!”  
  
Mark fishes it out of a hidden inside pocket in his coat, presenting it to Jinyoung with his heart beating hard in his chest. Jinyoung takes the ring out himself, glancing at it for only a moment in the low light before slipping it onto his finger and taking hold of Mark so that Jinyoung can kiss him. “God, I love you.”  
  
“So that’s a yes? You’ll marry me?” Mark doesn’t even try to hide his joy.  
  
Jinyoung just laughs, shaking his head fondly. “Honestly, for you I’d do anything.”  
  
“You are everything I’ve ever wanted,” Mark says simply in response, and as he’s pulled into a long kiss again Mark can almost see the future opening up before them; a world of endless possibilities for the life that Mark will lead with the man he loves by his side.  
  
And for a moment, way up here above the city below, he’s sure he has found the only Heaven he needs.  
  
---  
  
’til one day i had enough  
of this exercise of trust.  
i leaned in and let it hurt,  
let my body feel the dirt.  
when i break pattern, i break ground.  
i rebuild when i break down.  
i wake up more awake than i’ve ever been before. 


End file.
